Frightened

I will be leaving in less then a month now for Kampala, Uganda. It sounds so glorious to me. And yet I cannot calm the fear building inside of me. I want to live somewhere where my life seems to be worth something. It has been over four years since Guatemala. I loved Guate, with all my heart, I loved it there. But I wasn't able to go back. It just didn't work. I couldn't go to Vancouver and I couldn't go to Guatemala. Those were the two places that year that captured me in such a way that I would have stayed if I could have.
What happens if that happens again. I am married now. What happens if I fall in love with the land and he doesn't? That is the most frightening thing I have ever felt. What happens if God wants to use me there but Colin doesn't see that or feel that? I know in my head that God would not do that. We are married and God will call us together. I don't want to go for short terms... I want to live a life worth living, everyday. Some would say my life is worth living but I feel a lack. I feel a lack of closeness to God. And if I was serving him with my every action, everyday maybe, just maybe I would feel more whole. I know I can feel that way here. I know it is possible but it is hard to feel him at all. It is getting better, four years later. Four years of dessert and there is a oasis... or maybe it is the end of the dessert, I cannot tell. Refreshment would be good. I want to see God moving. I want to see God at work. We don't depend on God in North America. He is here but we don't depend on him because we have everything we physically need. I need more then that though. I need something deeper but as usual there is fear, much fear.
I need God! I need him to be close to me. I need to be close to him. I will chase him until he sees me. I will chase him down and bow before him. I want him to touch me. I need that touch again. How could they go on living after he left them? How could they feel him still? How did that passion burn after the master left? The answer is in the Holy Spirit... but I don't know how. I am so lost. I need to serve him. I feel so lost without him beside me. I need to get up and know that one day I will see him again and it will be more glorious than ever. I need to serve him till that day because he is worthy of my everything no matter how lost I feel.