Hope

I had a dream last night. It was all about children. About working at daycare; about friends who have children. And I felt peace this morning. It has been the first time in a long time that I have thought of children and felt peace. I have been married for two years with no children of my own and have wanted one since the beginning. Everyone else seems to have children right away. A lot of friends go married last year and have children or are going to have children (depending on when they got married). I have heard of so many women having miscarriages lately and I don't think I could handle that. But at the same time, it would give me hope... hope that I was able to have children. There is always hope. There always has to be hope. Every month I hope. There is a week every month where my spirits are high and I am hoping that maybe, just maybe it is possible that I would be able to have a child of my own. For two years now, there are two weeks after that I know I am not and lose some of that hope. My husband is gracious and loving but the ache inside is not quenched by this. I can't say that this ache is unnatural but neither can I say that it is normal because I cannot talk about it. My mother had my brother as soon as she could after they got married. My husbands mother was the same and same with everyone around me. My friends don't know what it's like. I have gone to school to help put on a guise of why we have not had children yet... but really, I don't know if we can. The thought of that is hard. I grew up in a culture where girls get married and have children at about 20-24 years old. I was 21 when I got married so I still have lots of time to have children... if I am able. If not we will adopt once we are a little more stable and are able to afford that. I cannot imagine not having children. That would be awful. Life is full of hope though, and there are other things to have hope in... Sometimes they are just harder to see then others.