Fall

Somedays I look at this world I live in with such awe and wonder. The wind blows the leaves on the trees so they rustle. The sound is so calming and peaceful. The sun warms up the earth. It is one of the last days it will be able to be so warm outside. I feel that winter is coming fast this year. We have to enjoy the days we have that are warm. Prepare for the coming days but also enjoy these ones... kinda like Joeseph did in the Bible when he interpreted the kings dream. He stored food for the drought he knew was coming. They ate while there was food but they also stored away for the famine to come that they had been warned of. I feel as though today is a day of plenty with fat cows and lots of ears of corn. The summer and spring always are. It is fall when the leaves start to fall off the trees and everything starts to die. And the winter is the great hibernation of our world. The trees sleep, the animals sleep and oh, how I wish I could sleep it away. Then wake up to find the world reawakening. But instead of icnoring the famine to come we must prepare ourselves. Prepare our hearts, minds and soals for the famine and enjoy the days that are like today. Today is a good day. Today we can walk to church for our meeting. Today we can enjoy the warmth of the 26 degrees celcius. That is pretty warm. A lot warmer then it has been.
Well, off I go to enjoy the day.

Death

These last couple days have been a trial on me. A friend of mine's husband went into the hospital with West Nile virus. They have two children and one on the way. It was suspected yesterday that it could be terminal. I begged God to keep this man with his family. To not make a widow of my friend with three young children. If he has such a heart for the orphan and widow how could he make another? Then I started to think of Africa. We are going to Uganda in two months and there are so many orphans and widows out there. I feel almost selfish begging on behalf of my friend when there are so many people out there that need God. She has two churches praying for her and her family. Hundreds of people praying on behalf of this man and his family. 

It is scary to think that one of my friends could die from disease here in Canada. Death is scary when you are young. I am not afraid of death for myself because I know that I will go to Heaven and that will be the best thing ever. I am afraid more of someone else dying, leaving me here. There are so many things I could do in this world to help... and yet I have become a graphic designer. It seems so useless. I have a good job that could potentially make us lots of money; oh, how I hate that thought. 

I have always wanted to go to Africa. The idea of it is thrilling. To go to a place where people aren't consumed by material possessions. But there is much pain there and much corruption. I never knew about those things when I was younger. I guess it is true, "When I was a child I acted and thought like a child and now that I am grown I have put those things away." I am not so ignorant as I was and yet my heart still yearns for that place. I know there is pain there. I know Africa will bring my heart much pain but is it possible that Africa will also bring my heart joy? Joy through the pain. I have so much to learn. I am still so ignorant. Will I ever know enough to be able to help? I feel like I have nothing to contribute because I know so little. I don't want to spend my life learning. I want to help. I want to do something. 

I feel so restless here. Life seems to have everything sorted out perfectly for me. I have a good husband who has an amazing job. I have a good job with lots of time to think, work and get other stuff that I have been putting off done. And all the other things people in North America hope for; health, house, car, good family, friends, support. With all of this how could I be restless? How could I ever want for anything more then what I have? I feel selfish for wanting more. I feel ungrateful for not feeling at peace with where I am. 

What is death really? One man was saved from death here in Canada. A family was saved from becoming devastated from losing father/husband. God saved him. Praise God! He saved this family. 

What happened to Africa? HIV/Aids has run rampant there making new widows and orphans there every day. Are there two churches praying for every person who has contracted aids amongst the christians? Are there people bring the family meals while they take care of the sick? I suppose there are just too many. I know nothing. I have never been to Africa. I have never known anyone who has HIV/Aids. I am ignorant. My voice should remain as a silent thought. 

My heart cries out today for the orphans and widows of this world. I cannot imagine losing my husband. My heart cries out to you. You who have endured so much. I ask that the strength of God be given to you. That through your trials you will be given faith of incredible proportions and that God will fill that gap in your life.

Hope

I had a dream last night. It was all about children. About working at daycare; about friends who have children. And I felt peace this morning. It has been the first time in a long time that I have thought of children and felt peace. I have been married for two years with no children of my own and have wanted one since the beginning. Everyone else seems to have children right away. A lot of friends go married last year and have children or are going to have children (depending on when they got married). I have heard of so many women having miscarriages lately and I don't think I could handle that. But at the same time, it would give me hope... hope that I was able to have children. There is always hope. There always has to be hope. Every month I hope. There is a week every month where my spirits are high and I am hoping that maybe, just maybe it is possible that I would be able to have a child of my own. For two years now, there are two weeks after that I know I am not and lose some of that hope. My husband is gracious and loving but the ache inside is not quenched by this. I can't say that this ache is unnatural but neither can I say that it is normal because I cannot talk about it. My mother had my brother as soon as she could after they got married. My husbands mother was the same and same with everyone around me. My friends don't know what it's like. I have gone to school to help put on a guise of why we have not had children yet... but really, I don't know if we can. The thought of that is hard. I grew up in a culture where girls get married and have children at about 20-24 years old. I was 21 when I got married so I still have lots of time to have children... if I am able. If not we will adopt once we are a little more stable and are able to afford that. I cannot imagine not having children. That would be awful. Life is full of hope though, and there are other things to have hope in... Sometimes they are just harder to see then others.

The beginning

Everything in life seems to come from all directions, leading in all directions. I could step forward and enjoy life with my husband and dream and live... or I could step to one side and just observe life as it passes by. I could also step back and stumble and fall on my head. I guess that doesn't exactly sound like fun but sometimes I think I know what is behind me better then what is in-front of me even though my eyes are in the front of my head. The question is then, how do I make my feet step forward? How do I propel myself in that general direction when everything in me says to step off the path? I am sick of waiting for life to come. It is time to go get it.

I started this blog because I have decided that one day I will write a book. The only problem is I need something I am passionate about to write a whole book on. And I need to improve my writing skills. That is where this will help the most. A book is not so long if there is something worth writing it about. I am not sure yet what this blog will be about. It might be mostly just thoughts that go through my head as the days pass or it may be directly about a subject. I will try to narrow it down this week. My head is always full of thoughts but maybe I can pick out one and write about it.