I don't know why I am even writing. I have spoken to you so much Lord. Let me life my voice tomorrow. My head hurts, these allergies are horrible. I want to do so much. You tell me to love you with my whole mind but I ask you how. I'm wallowing in self-pity. I'm here but I'm still the same person. I don't know how to be different. My voice is not as nice cuz my stuffed sinus's and I'm scared. What am I scared of Lord? If I knew maybe I could solve it. No, I don't even know what I want anymore. Lord, direct my path.

First night here. I've talked to so many people today whose names I'll never remember. Well, I suppose at the end of three months I should. I'm kinda scared of people my age. At least you make me feel as though I finally belong. Right here, right now is where you have put me. Help me experience. And Lord, please stop my runny nose so I can enjoy this properly. I want the energy I had. I need to calm down and become a part of this group. Lord, I need rest now. Oh and Lord make this week beautiful so everyone will be in good spirits to see you and your kingdom. I love you. I need you here beside me through these days in this group. There are a lot of people and I need you. Amen And Lord watch over my friend while I'm gone. By grace give him someone to show him to you if you see fit.

I feel so useless right now. What am I suppose to do for a week as everyone goes on with life? I need something to occupie my mind, Lord. Boxes, I'll clear our my room. Move my fish. It still feels as though I am useless. Oh, God show me what I can do for this week. It seems so long. I feel so lazy for quitting so soon. Help me Lord. Bless Teresa with her new found grace. It is wonderful that you touched her so deeply. I need to prepare my heart this week, get our of this numb state. Please God, I need help. Please awaken my soal. I need to be alert once we're gone. I love you still and am begging that you awaken my soal so I can drink your word! Amen Oh God, please make my friend part of our family.

Thank you for the mail. My last letter! Two weeks Lord, two weeks! I'm really excited. Please let things run smoothly and let all my good byes be said without anyone missing out. Please, continue to allow Nathan and Lydia to grow in your light and show them all that they can be. Give them courage to face the crowds at school knowing you are right behind them all the way. Thanks for all you've done for me and my heart is so full of peace and joy over the possibilities that next year brings. Thank you. Amen and Lord I still would love to see my friend in our family. Please reveil yourself to him so you could have another wonderful son.

I'm sorry, Lord, real sorry. I never wanted to be upset at you. I know I will try my best to follow your rules because you know what is best for me and I trust you. Please forgive me and also help me to understand why you would put that verse into your wonderful, and loving book. I just need someone to explain why. Of all I know of you this one verse is the most contradicting verse I've read. I thought you liked openness in your house. I thought you deemed women as worthy of you as men. I don't know what to think anymore. I still know you love me as your adopted daughter as you would if I were as Jesus born to you. I know my nature is sinful and his was pure and it must frustrate you but I still love you. I always will.

I'm a little scared, Lord. It is such a big world you made and I don't know where to turn. I must admit that I am quite upset with you. I know you are God on high but why make women secondary? Why must we yield to men and you when they only yield to you?! Why? Oh, Why? I don't get it! How about the prophetess'? They served only you. Why does everyone try to push that on me? the verse is very clear. I don't want to be secondary to men. I don't wan tot wash dishes for the men all my life. Is it pride? Or am I missing something? Did I not read enough? I'm not happy with this verse. I am actually very upset but you are God, creator of life. You know what I need, you know what's best. Oh, please show me something more encouraging. I don't want to be a wag-tail-puppy or a shadow of a man all my life! Sure I dream of falling in love but I thought that two married people were equal. I thought everyone was equal. I don't know how to process this and my mind is turning circles. Please, help me, show me the truth in this situation. I don't want to blend the Bible into my ideas. It is Hold and pure. Straight from the mouth of you. I do still love you with all my heart but I need some answers. No, there are no buts to my love. You gave me every enduring, unconditional love, the least I could do is give you the same. Please, show me your way. Love, always!

I got my Bible now. It is the one I wanted with a beautiful cover. Thank you Lord for a wonderful mother. She ordered a ring for me today. White gold. Help it be beautiful, Lord and please stop the infection. Just make it go away, Lord. Let my toes heal properly. Oh, God, you've done wonders between Almira and me. I can barely believe it. You are great. One month left Lord, prepare my heart. Please God, I'm begging, heal my toe. Mom said she mightn't let me go to Guatemala. You've given me so much but please God, don't take this from me. I'm sorry, if it's in your will, please, let me go, please. Thy will be done. It hurts to let it go. Help me take care of my toes properly. I do love you even through this hurt because I know your love is unconditional. Amen

Oh God, I'm lost for words. If I look back at the year I am almost overwhelmed at what you have done in such a short time. Yes, my tung still is wild but I can admit when I've said something foolish. I am as foolish as a sheep. Will you lead me and my tung?
Alex is really cute. Thank you Lord for giving him to John and Linda. Thank you for giving Gramma the opportunity to see her grandson and for letting me see my littlest cousin even if just once. Let it be more, I ask that you let me see him again if it is in your plans for Alex and myself.
Oh, God I'll need you so next year. You are my Abba Father, let me lean on you like I would my mom and more. Be my upholder, strength, protector, and confidant. You are so great and loving, I know you will never leave me. Thank you so much for being so good to me and please show yourself to my friends so he may have you too. I love you. Amen

I know I must let you be my Abba, Father. I do love you but I don't let you get very close. I like this time I have when you listen but I supose I must listen back sometimes too. I have yet to meet my new cousin... well, actually cousins and aunt. We are at the yucky water town but they are still coming. I got no sleep last night so I need to sleep tonight. Oh, Lord, Father, would you help me through the summer? I really need you now! I long to be in the arms of a loving husband but maybe I am too young yet. Your time will be good. Ad for now I will follow you. And God, please... I'm scared to love, really I am. Please keep my heart guarded until the right man comes, than Lord please show me. I don't know how love works, Father, but as you long for the church as your bride I long for a husband. Well, maybe not so much but there is definitely something in my heart, I'm sure, you the God who has shown me such love has put it there but... I don't mean to sound ungrateful but why now? I wanted to focus on soally on you next year and you give me these new feelings. Please Lord show me your will and give me patience so I can not worry or have my mind wandering. I love you so much and thank you for your love. I really need it but I also need some help. I'm not so good at this prayer thing yet but please try to understand. I do love you and trust your judgment. Amen Oh God, my friend still... please show him your light. I do care so much.

I can only be a sheep, Lord. I want to do so much but I am only a sheep. I love sheep but to compare myself to one? There is so much I want to know. Thank you for this summer. It will never be just like last summer or the summer before because I am not the same. I go to Watress tomorrow, no the next day. All I remember is the bed 'n breakfast, wonderful establishment and the yucky water. I'd really rather go see Darren... still haven't seen his apartment. Maybe next week. Our schedule's don't mesh so nicely. Please, Lord, I want to see him. My mind is so full; please Lord take these burdens from me. Right now, I would love to be cast on an island like the Swiss Family Robinson. Life would be simple. I miss simpleness of a child's life. I am no longer a child, Lord, teach me how to grow up straight. I need your help. I need you so much. Thank you for being with me and Lord please show my friend the light. Amen.

I don't want a shy, quiet man, Lord! It wouldn't suit me. Even Bren is too melow for me. Why would I want a shy guy? Oh, Lord, I want someone alive in you. Someone who can strengthen me, a leader,... well, it is a dream but the final decision is yours. You know me better than I know myself. Help me 'Shine the Light'. Thank you for my mom's support and God help my dad see. I really want to please him but I have to serve you first. I want to go through the lands, spreading the gospel. I would like a man at my side but thy will be done. My light seems dim, Lord. At times I seem to hinder the light more than help. Live through me. I give these hands, this head, these feet and this mouth to your work. Life holds many uncertainties but it is more exciting this way. Help me Lord to live day by day. You are a wonderful, gracious Abba, Father. I love you. Do your will through me. Amen

Well, Lord, I'm 18 now. I don't know how to act 18. I don't even know how to look 18. I get to work with Vadim on Saturday. I am kinda excited. I miss him so much. I really admire him. My toe is throbbing Lord, please, please help them get better. There is so much I must do and so little I have done. Oh, God, help me keep focused this summer. My head is too full, please help Lord. Make sure I do everything right. I love you so much. Thank-you for all you have done for me. Amen
Please bless my brother, Lord. He is a great brother.

I learnt a lot today. It was a awesome day. We went to the ocean. That was ok but I got to go with my uncle on the motorcycle. It was really cool. I like the houses out here. They are really colorful. They all have unique designs and some have the French style roof. I like the variety. Thanks for all you showed me today, Lord and help me use it through my daily walk. Thank-you for the awesome day and week. Thanks also for letting it be a short vacation. Lord, please help me aquire everything I need for the fall and thank-you for leading me with my summer plans. Thanks for my dear brother and my friends. Love you lots. Amen

I am here in NB now. Everything has finally calmed. Thank you God. I feel so stress free even with the lack of sleep. I miss mom. I hope I have opportunity for some sort of communication with her next year. This has been a wonderful couple of days. I went to Teresa's youth. It was really cool... for young people. I felt so old. I'm sure I was closer to the age of the leaders than the youth. Well, I best let Teresa sleep. Her dad wanted us to be 'rested' for tomorrow. Good greif! I realize it is time to act older. I am nearly an adult and people see me as a young teen. I don't want to be treated like that. I am way past that and glad too. God, teach me how to act and show me what to want. I don't want to be hurt, Lord. I feel to be in any serious relationship now would really hurt me. I still feel the pain from years past. I don't want anymore. Good night, Lord. Love ya. Amen

Journal 1

It's a bit overwellming Lord. Grad is in 4 days. I leave for New Brunswick in 5. Tomorrow is my last day at work. I will miss it. I just met Vadim. We got along so well. He is so cute. Sorry. How do you say Christian in Russian? Maybe in New Brunswick me and Teresa can do some research. How could he not know what Christian was? Maybe they call followers something else. I don't even know how to ask if he knows you, Lord! I admire him for all he's lost in coming here, to Canada. I hope, that someday I can actually sit down and talk to him. Oh God, help him and his family. I do not know why they came to Canada... just please help them. And Lord, help me be what you want me to be, what people want me to be because I don't know how. They say I'm a watchman becayse I have a passion for it but how? What do you want? How can I pray so fervently? Please show me. I trust you, Lord. I love you. Good night.