Crazy Life

I am back in Canada now. It seems strange to think that only months ago I was half way across the world. We went and it was good. It was nice to be away... but something in me just didn't cling to Uganda the way I cling to Guatemala. But there was also a part of me that let go of something about Guatemala. It isn't so hard to be in Canada now as it was. In Uganda I found a culture who looked at me as a pile of money or with resentment. Those who were glad that we were there, wanted us there for what our North American money will give them. Not all of them. That is a large generalization but it was the reaction I saw the most other then the resentment from those who didn't know who we were or why we were in their country. I understand but it did not make me feel welcome and realistically I don't need to feel welcome where ever I go. That is not the point in going.
So we came back to Canada with new insight into ourselves and this world around us. It was strange to be back but so good. So good to be back in Canada where we are just as able to live. I was going to get a full-time job working in Graphic Design and life would just be good for awhile. I didn't know what I would do but there are things that I can do for God here. But God had other plans. 'A five year old boy needs a place to stay for a couple months'... we have an extra room in our house. Why not? So we took in this five year old boy for awhile... A couple months became over half a year and he is still with us. My full-time job long forgotten. I was so looking forward to that, like I had never looked forward to a job before.
Now we are expecting our first child in October. How I waited for that to happen... 2 and a half years I waited to become pregnant. 2 and a half years I have cried and morned that I did not think I could but now I am. Having morning sickness with a five year old is hard. At least he enjoys playing by himself. At least he is an amazingly obedient kid (he just listens) and so it is a little easier but still not easy at all. I have never had morning sickness... never been pregnant and before this boy I have never had a child in my house.
But this is life and I am very excited for this baby. I think it will be a girl. I think she will have red hair like my husband. I think she will be beautiful... after she gets rid of her baby wrinkles. :P
Well, I suppose that is an update... though nothing like what I planned to write. My plans change as life goes on. God has different things in mind for me then what I would have for myself.

Frightened

I will be leaving in less then a month now for Kampala, Uganda. It sounds so glorious to me. And yet I cannot calm the fear building inside of me. I want to live somewhere where my life seems to be worth something. It has been over four years since Guatemala. I loved Guate, with all my heart, I loved it there. But I wasn't able to go back. It just didn't work. I couldn't go to Vancouver and I couldn't go to Guatemala. Those were the two places that year that captured me in such a way that I would have stayed if I could have.
What happens if that happens again. I am married now. What happens if I fall in love with the land and he doesn't? That is the most frightening thing I have ever felt. What happens if God wants to use me there but Colin doesn't see that or feel that? I know in my head that God would not do that. We are married and God will call us together. I don't want to go for short terms... I want to live a life worth living, everyday. Some would say my life is worth living but I feel a lack. I feel a lack of closeness to God. And if I was serving him with my every action, everyday maybe, just maybe I would feel more whole. I know I can feel that way here. I know it is possible but it is hard to feel him at all. It is getting better, four years later. Four years of dessert and there is a oasis... or maybe it is the end of the dessert, I cannot tell. Refreshment would be good. I want to see God moving. I want to see God at work. We don't depend on God in North America. He is here but we don't depend on him because we have everything we physically need. I need more then that though. I need something deeper but as usual there is fear, much fear.
I need God! I need him to be close to me. I need to be close to him. I will chase him until he sees me. I will chase him down and bow before him. I want him to touch me. I need that touch again. How could they go on living after he left them? How could they feel him still? How did that passion burn after the master left? The answer is in the Holy Spirit... but I don't know how. I am so lost. I need to serve him. I feel so lost without him beside me. I need to get up and know that one day I will see him again and it will be more glorious than ever. I need to serve him till that day because he is worthy of my everything no matter how lost I feel.

Fall

Somedays I look at this world I live in with such awe and wonder. The wind blows the leaves on the trees so they rustle. The sound is so calming and peaceful. The sun warms up the earth. It is one of the last days it will be able to be so warm outside. I feel that winter is coming fast this year. We have to enjoy the days we have that are warm. Prepare for the coming days but also enjoy these ones... kinda like Joeseph did in the Bible when he interpreted the kings dream. He stored food for the drought he knew was coming. They ate while there was food but they also stored away for the famine to come that they had been warned of. I feel as though today is a day of plenty with fat cows and lots of ears of corn. The summer and spring always are. It is fall when the leaves start to fall off the trees and everything starts to die. And the winter is the great hibernation of our world. The trees sleep, the animals sleep and oh, how I wish I could sleep it away. Then wake up to find the world reawakening. But instead of icnoring the famine to come we must prepare ourselves. Prepare our hearts, minds and soals for the famine and enjoy the days that are like today. Today is a good day. Today we can walk to church for our meeting. Today we can enjoy the warmth of the 26 degrees celcius. That is pretty warm. A lot warmer then it has been.
Well, off I go to enjoy the day.

Death

These last couple days have been a trial on me. A friend of mine's husband went into the hospital with West Nile virus. They have two children and one on the way. It was suspected yesterday that it could be terminal. I begged God to keep this man with his family. To not make a widow of my friend with three young children. If he has such a heart for the orphan and widow how could he make another? Then I started to think of Africa. We are going to Uganda in two months and there are so many orphans and widows out there. I feel almost selfish begging on behalf of my friend when there are so many people out there that need God. She has two churches praying for her and her family. Hundreds of people praying on behalf of this man and his family. 

It is scary to think that one of my friends could die from disease here in Canada. Death is scary when you are young. I am not afraid of death for myself because I know that I will go to Heaven and that will be the best thing ever. I am afraid more of someone else dying, leaving me here. There are so many things I could do in this world to help... and yet I have become a graphic designer. It seems so useless. I have a good job that could potentially make us lots of money; oh, how I hate that thought. 

I have always wanted to go to Africa. The idea of it is thrilling. To go to a place where people aren't consumed by material possessions. But there is much pain there and much corruption. I never knew about those things when I was younger. I guess it is true, "When I was a child I acted and thought like a child and now that I am grown I have put those things away." I am not so ignorant as I was and yet my heart still yearns for that place. I know there is pain there. I know Africa will bring my heart much pain but is it possible that Africa will also bring my heart joy? Joy through the pain. I have so much to learn. I am still so ignorant. Will I ever know enough to be able to help? I feel like I have nothing to contribute because I know so little. I don't want to spend my life learning. I want to help. I want to do something. 

I feel so restless here. Life seems to have everything sorted out perfectly for me. I have a good husband who has an amazing job. I have a good job with lots of time to think, work and get other stuff that I have been putting off done. And all the other things people in North America hope for; health, house, car, good family, friends, support. With all of this how could I be restless? How could I ever want for anything more then what I have? I feel selfish for wanting more. I feel ungrateful for not feeling at peace with where I am. 

What is death really? One man was saved from death here in Canada. A family was saved from becoming devastated from losing father/husband. God saved him. Praise God! He saved this family. 

What happened to Africa? HIV/Aids has run rampant there making new widows and orphans there every day. Are there two churches praying for every person who has contracted aids amongst the christians? Are there people bring the family meals while they take care of the sick? I suppose there are just too many. I know nothing. I have never been to Africa. I have never known anyone who has HIV/Aids. I am ignorant. My voice should remain as a silent thought. 

My heart cries out today for the orphans and widows of this world. I cannot imagine losing my husband. My heart cries out to you. You who have endured so much. I ask that the strength of God be given to you. That through your trials you will be given faith of incredible proportions and that God will fill that gap in your life.

Hope

I had a dream last night. It was all about children. About working at daycare; about friends who have children. And I felt peace this morning. It has been the first time in a long time that I have thought of children and felt peace. I have been married for two years with no children of my own and have wanted one since the beginning. Everyone else seems to have children right away. A lot of friends go married last year and have children or are going to have children (depending on when they got married). I have heard of so many women having miscarriages lately and I don't think I could handle that. But at the same time, it would give me hope... hope that I was able to have children. There is always hope. There always has to be hope. Every month I hope. There is a week every month where my spirits are high and I am hoping that maybe, just maybe it is possible that I would be able to have a child of my own. For two years now, there are two weeks after that I know I am not and lose some of that hope. My husband is gracious and loving but the ache inside is not quenched by this. I can't say that this ache is unnatural but neither can I say that it is normal because I cannot talk about it. My mother had my brother as soon as she could after they got married. My husbands mother was the same and same with everyone around me. My friends don't know what it's like. I have gone to school to help put on a guise of why we have not had children yet... but really, I don't know if we can. The thought of that is hard. I grew up in a culture where girls get married and have children at about 20-24 years old. I was 21 when I got married so I still have lots of time to have children... if I am able. If not we will adopt once we are a little more stable and are able to afford that. I cannot imagine not having children. That would be awful. Life is full of hope though, and there are other things to have hope in... Sometimes they are just harder to see then others.

The beginning

Everything in life seems to come from all directions, leading in all directions. I could step forward and enjoy life with my husband and dream and live... or I could step to one side and just observe life as it passes by. I could also step back and stumble and fall on my head. I guess that doesn't exactly sound like fun but sometimes I think I know what is behind me better then what is in-front of me even though my eyes are in the front of my head. The question is then, how do I make my feet step forward? How do I propel myself in that general direction when everything in me says to step off the path? I am sick of waiting for life to come. It is time to go get it.

I started this blog because I have decided that one day I will write a book. The only problem is I need something I am passionate about to write a whole book on. And I need to improve my writing skills. That is where this will help the most. A book is not so long if there is something worth writing it about. I am not sure yet what this blog will be about. It might be mostly just thoughts that go through my head as the days pass or it may be directly about a subject. I will try to narrow it down this week. My head is always full of thoughts but maybe I can pick out one and write about it.

I don't know why I am even writing. I have spoken to you so much Lord. Let me life my voice tomorrow. My head hurts, these allergies are horrible. I want to do so much. You tell me to love you with my whole mind but I ask you how. I'm wallowing in self-pity. I'm here but I'm still the same person. I don't know how to be different. My voice is not as nice cuz my stuffed sinus's and I'm scared. What am I scared of Lord? If I knew maybe I could solve it. No, I don't even know what I want anymore. Lord, direct my path.